I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
