Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
