it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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