god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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