my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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