I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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