oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
