The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
