They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I need water and some morals
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
