My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
