How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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