You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
