the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
