I didn't shave. On purpose
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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