holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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