I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
