I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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