Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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