He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
