The maid of honor just puked.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
