Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
