Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
