i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize