im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
