I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
