too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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