so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
