Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
