I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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