OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
