Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
