I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Panties = found
Randomize
