I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
