I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
