the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
