he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i drank out of a bidet.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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