Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
