You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
