I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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