he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
