If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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