its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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