i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
