I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We need a shit load of segways right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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