i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
