you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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