I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
