i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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