im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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