I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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