I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
