There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
