I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
