I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
